Time to pick up the pieces.

Thailand was amazing. Words really cannot describe how wonderful the country is. I have completely fallen in love with Bangkok.

However, that is not what's dominating my thoughts right now.
Do forgive me whilst I am wallowing in my melancholy.

__________


HE'S LEAVING, AND IT MIGHT BE FOR GOOD.
BJ is leaving in a few minutes, and I still can't get over the fact that he's actually leaving..

I texted him a few hours ago, and that's when I found out he was leaving at midnight.

I thought I was over him. But for some reason, when he told me the news, I just froze and started to cry.. And when he said that he might not come back, that's when the tears started to flow, a stream down my cheek as I felt my heart clenching.

I guess I'm not over him after all.. :""(

And I don't have much to say, the feeling is too overwhelming..

But..
I still love you, BJ.

Current Facebook status:
I thought I was already over you, but when you told me awhile ago that you were leaving at midnight for the States, I froze up and cried. And when you said you might not come back, the tears flowed even more. Not even my friends could comfort me that easily.. :"( The only thing I regret is not telling you how much I truly loved you. To be honest.. I still do. Always have, always will. Goodbye, BJV. I'll miss you. ♥

'Til next time.
♥

Some kind of awakening.

I just realized that I haven't though about him for quite a while. Thank goodness school's been keeping me preoccupied..

I find myself sleeping well most of the time, but there are days when I just lie awake in my bed, late at night (or real early in the morning), thinking of what could have happened if I never met him, if I never liked him, never fell for him.. God, I miss him..

But most of all I was thinking of what could have been..

It breaks my heart that we'd end up like this, we haven't seen each other nor even conversed via text message. Well, I've actually sent him a text from time to time, but he always tells me to stop texting him.. It really breaks my heart, it shatters it to a million pieces.. It still hasn't been fully put back together in the first place.. And now's it's broken again.

I'm not completely over him yet. It hurts.

But don't worry about me, I'm on the lookout.
I'm trying to go to whatever events or parties my friends invite me to go to.

Damn, I miss him.. I just realized how much I miss him.

So I'm keeping Rascal Flatts on loop again. If you read one of my older posts, you know how much I love their song, What Hurts The Most. And that's what's on loop on my Limewire now..

The song says it all..

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away,all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin' on with you gone still upsets me
Every now and again I pretend that I'm okay
But that's not what gets me.

- "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts

I could really relate with this song. It's funny how I stumbled upon it.

My friend Nica introduced me to this song by Cascada, Everytime We Touch; and I instantly loved it and so I searched for other songs.
So I downloaded..

• Everytime We Touch (Slow)
• What Hurts The Most
• One More Night
  
• Ready For Love

What struck me about the song was the lyrics, so sad and speaks of heartbreak.

And then last week, I was watching America's Got Talent season 2, and it was already the Final 4 episode.
The 4 finalists were already called out: Cas Haley, Butterscotch, and Terry Fader, and Julienne Irwin, and they all had to perform the judge's choice first.

And it just so happened that Julienne's judge's choice performance was What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts.

The next day, I downloaded the Rascal Flatts song. I fell in love with it right away. I was on the verge of tears as I listened, no, I felt the song. The words struck my heart like an arrow, straight and true. I remembered him, and how those 2 short months meant to me. How I loved him, but he could never love me back because of his past. It was complicated, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Not for anything.

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do.