What I'm feeling now: I am CONFUSED - I hate him but I still love him, I know I don't want him but I feel that I still need him. He's my best friend but he's the one who broke my heart into a million pieces when he promised he'd be the one to keep it together.
A couple of nights ago.. I was online on MSN, talking to Mallika (my one and only Belgian friend, how I love you so).. And while I did, I felt tears running down my cheeks. My delusional boyfriend, Chris Pine (yes, THAT Chris Pine, thankyouverymuch) wiped my cheeks with a handkerchief, and hugged me tighter than usual. We (Chris and I) talked to Mallika and Milo (Ventimiglia, yes, THAT Milo Ventimiglia). She knew I was hurting and the conversation quickly transformed back into real life.
After I went offline a little later (Internet was being really stubborn and crappy), I got ready for bed. Thinking I was okay, I laid myself on my bed, and closed my eyes.. But I couldn't get to sleep..
..I was crying again, but the tears were more torrential. I seriously thought I would be okay, but I guess the pain was too much for me to restrain. I knew the tears would come, tonight was the night the inevitable would happen.
I cried because I was hurt.
Because the one I loved the most broke my heart.
Because he promised me forever and a day.
Because he seemed to fill that hole in my heart.
Because he knew me the most.
Because he was my best friend.
I thought it was time to let someone else know. I picked up my mobile phone, and scoured my phonebook for a friend. It was quite the unholy hour, perhaps around 2am. My heart was breaking and I knew I couldn't face it alone. I found a name, an old friend from a church in Manila that my family used to go to (we still do, albeit occasionally). Not knowing what to say and still in tears, I pressed the Call button.
He knew I was crying and he told me he was just listening. I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe. I just cried because it was the only thing I thought I could do at that time. I was drowning, slowly drowning. I hung up a couple of minutes later.
I still felt like I had to tell someone.. I scoured my phonebook again, and I came across a name. It was a fairly new friend, from the church my family currently attends. He was someone older than me, and I admit I was hesitant to tell him.. but I did. (Over text this time. I seem to have more to say / talk easier over text. Strange, I know.) I ended up falling asleep, exhausted from crying.
I woke up the next day with puffy eyes, and it stayed that way the whole day.
And today, I realized..
..it's going to take a while. For me to forgive him, for me to stop being angry, for me to pull myself out of this depression.. For me to move on and live life again.
But in the back of my mind, and in a little quiet and empty space in my heart..
..I still love him.
I always have.
A couple of nights ago.. I was online on MSN, talking to Mallika (my one and only Belgian friend, how I love you so).. And while I did, I felt tears running down my cheeks. My delusional boyfriend, Chris Pine (yes, THAT Chris Pine, thankyouverymuch) wiped my cheeks with a handkerchief, and hugged me tighter than usual. We (Chris and I) talked to Mallika and Milo (Ventimiglia, yes, THAT Milo Ventimiglia). She knew I was hurting and the conversation quickly transformed back into real life.
After I went offline a little later (Internet was being really stubborn and crappy), I got ready for bed. Thinking I was okay, I laid myself on my bed, and closed my eyes.. But I couldn't get to sleep..
..I was crying again, but the tears were more torrential. I seriously thought I would be okay, but I guess the pain was too much for me to restrain. I knew the tears would come, tonight was the night the inevitable would happen.
I cried because I was hurt.
Because the one I loved the most broke my heart.
Because he promised me forever and a day.
Because he seemed to fill that hole in my heart.
Because he knew me the most.
Because he was my best friend.
..because I still loved him.
I thought it was time to let someone else know. I picked up my mobile phone, and scoured my phonebook for a friend. It was quite the unholy hour, perhaps around 2am. My heart was breaking and I knew I couldn't face it alone. I found a name, an old friend from a church in Manila that my family used to go to (we still do, albeit occasionally). Not knowing what to say and still in tears, I pressed the Call button.
He knew I was crying and he told me he was just listening. I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe. I just cried because it was the only thing I thought I could do at that time. I was drowning, slowly drowning. I hung up a couple of minutes later.
I still felt like I had to tell someone.. I scoured my phonebook again, and I came across a name. It was a fairly new friend, from the church my family currently attends. He was someone older than me, and I admit I was hesitant to tell him.. but I did. (Over text this time. I seem to have more to say / talk easier over text. Strange, I know.) I ended up falling asleep, exhausted from crying.
I woke up the next day with puffy eyes, and it stayed that way the whole day.
And today, I realized..
..it's going to take a while. For me to forgive him, for me to stop being angry, for me to pull myself out of this depression.. For me to move on and live life again.
But in the back of my mind, and in a little quiet and empty space in my heart..
..I still love him.
I always have.
I'm waiting for the day when I can laugh wholeheartedly again. That day when I can laugh without pretensions, without fear.
(But then again, in this photo.. I was just making myself laugh. XD)
(But then again, in this photo.. I was just making myself laugh. XD)
1 comment:
Hey B!!! Anyway now you've learned your lesson! Find a REAL guy instead of an online lover!! Kung wala, then just happily flirt around for a real guy!! Anyway don't look for these things cuz they will naturally come. All you have to do is FOCUS ON THE PEOPLE WHO ARE AROUND YOU THAT LOVE YOU. Once you've done that, guys will gradually radiate towards you because they see that you're secure with what you have. :)
I hope you take my advice B! As for my love life, I don't think I'm ready to take anyone extremely serious yet. :) But when the time comes, I'll get my heart prepared for the hurt. Yes I'll cry a couple of tears, but then seeing it in a bigger picture, there will always be a better guy out there.
I hope you see it that way too B!
-S <3
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